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The psychology of relationships with a married man: how it is to be a lover


Many ladies are afraid to enter into a love relationship with men who are married. This is fully justified, however, often such love can be useful and successful for both parties.

As for the men themselves, then for them, such a relationship can be useful, because they need diversity and adventure. Not everyone succeeds in maintaining loyalty to his wife, but if in his personal life a period of detachment sets in, then a man can look for thrills on the side. A married man is always more interesting than a free man, because he is often hungry, hot, generous and insatiable. With whom will the man remain and why is the second question.

Why do women seek married

A married man is a challenge. It is clear that you have an advantage over your rival in such relationships, because she has already managed to get bored with a man. Basically, women show their nature as predators when they feel the prey. That is why your intuition will never deceive you. If you do not trust her, then know that a married man is always secretive, careful and wants to see you only at a certain time.

Very often, ladies choose married, because they know that they will not run after them. Roughly speaking, if a man is married, then he is already “run-in”, checked by another lady, he can be trusted. Least of all women want to spend time on men who can make them suffer. Married in this regard is absolutely harmless, but beware of exceptions to the rules that also occur.

There are many theories about why women agree to second roles, but the answer lies on the surface - they don’t want something serious. This is a great way to experience love with minimal risk of “contracting” a marriage.

When a relationship with a married man will be successful

1. When you need only physical connection. If you want to give a man happiness to be with you together, he will gladly agree to this. If you have no obligations, then such a relationship will be successful.

2. When you give him the opportunity to choose. Respect for a rival is always above all. If you want everything to be good, then you have to give the man the opportunity to be in charge. No need to try to get him out of the family. If he says that you can no longer see each other, then you cannot put forward any conditions or fight in hysteria. Give him and yourself a way out.

3. When you rarely see each other. You cannot get used to each other. This is very dangerous because a strong emotional attachment can occur. Do not be intrusive in such a relationship. The less you see each other, the better. Try not to share your problems and not become attached to a man. Such a relationship should not be a priority for you.

4. When you have a lot of friends and girlfriends. If you always have someone to chat with, then you can freely start a relationship with such a man. It is advisable that you depend as little as possible on communicating with a married man.

5. When you do not have mutual friends. In no case do not start an affair with a married man, if you know his friends, and they are you. People tend to gossip. If at least someone guesses that. that you have a little secret, you may expect an early exposure. If you know a man’s wife, then it’s better to ban even thoughts of such a novel.

6. If you are jealous. If you are jealous, then a relationship with a married man is very dangerous for you, for him and his family. Sooner or later, but you will definitely become jealous of his wife. Be sure of that.

7. You live in different cities. This is the best way to protect yourself from problems. If a man rarely appears in your city, and even better, if you come to his city, then you are more likely to keep your nerves intact. The less he knows about you, and you about him, the better. This betrayal is ideal for both sides.

If you are purposefully looking for adventure, then you need to learn how to identify a married man. Do not be afraid to flirt with such men, but be extremely careful at the very beginning of the forbidden romance. Do not go into all seriousness and make the life of many people unbearable. Respect a person and his family, because you have no right to destroy it. Good luck and don’t forget to click on the buttons and

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And I love ... married

Nobody plans to get into dependent relationships voluntarily. It is unlikely that from childhood you wanted to get hung up on someone, abandoning all your interests, suffer and wait for things to change. But life does otherwise.

Love for a married man was always shameful, was condemned by society, a taboo was imposed on relations with someone else’s husband. So we were brought up. If you have fallen in love with a married man, you are a lover, a destroyer of the cell of society. But it happened: you are a lover.

Wait a moment to reproach yourself, look at modern realities that are not customary to discuss with colleagues at dinner, so as not to cause another portion of condemnation.

The overwhelming majority of young families are formed according to the following scenario: they met at 20, got married six months or a year later, at 22 gave birth to a child, at 23 they could not cope with adulthood and played enough. Feelings and love pass, but the family persists by virtue of habit, fears and obligations. A man has a lover, his wife either suffers, leaving in the experience, or also has a new relationship - on the side. This can drag on for years.

Ask yourself 4 questions

Why did I find myself in this connection?

You know that being a lover is bad, but every day you are firmly bound to a married man. What drives you? Are you ready to “fight for it” and build a joint future or want to live the moment? Answer by looking at things emotionlessly.

What do I get in these relationships and what do I give to my partner?

You are free personalities who are good together or relationships are built on dependency unknown to both of you, passion, perhaps there is material interest or other benefits.

Have I consciously chosen this type of relationship?

Was the future man scared off of you, or was it easier for you to associate yourself with the married one, so as not to be responsible for a serious relationship?

Can a relationship with a married man make me happy in the future?

How do you see the development of these relations, do they have a future, or do you understand that when the passion subsides, it will be difficult for you to take his life into two families?

Only jokes about jokes with a married man are funny. In fact, to be a lover is constantly waging an internal struggle and thinking that the beloved man has a wife, that the relationship is doomed from the beginning, and still go on secret dates with him, stepping on his own self-esteem.

From a psychological point of view, women who choose relations with a married man from time to time have internal problems. At a minimum, because entering into a relationship with a married partner means recognizing your “second role”, being prepared that you will be hidden and asked not to write, not to call, not to use perfume.

Depending on the relationship with a married man, you begin to justify him, look for solutions to him, believe that for your sake he will leave the family. But why would he do this, if the only suffering side here is you, not him?

To be a lover of a married man means to take on the role of a strong woman, not burdened with problems.

You can raise self-esteem with the realization that you are better than the other: “After all, he runs to me, and she sits at home and does not know anything, which means that I am more worthy”. But the paradox is that after each meeting a man is in a hurry to go home to the one who is waiting at home. And when he leaves, the sense of self-worth instantly fades away. Does that really suit you?

Are married men getting divorced for lovers? Stop cheating on yourself. Living someone else's life or being a part in someone else's relationship means wasting your own time. Will a self-sufficient, self-respecting woman agree to a supporting role, be ready to hide and not appear at those moments when her married partner with her spouse? Listen to yourself, how are you?

Relations with a married man: a psychologist’s comment

Starting to meet a married man, at first you feel light, feel increased attention and amuse yourself with the fact that he prefers you to his wife, he has fun with you and deceives her, not you. But time passes, and it becomes more difficult for you to share it with your legal spouse, whom for some reason he is still not going to leave.

Then love risks escalating into addiction, driven by jealousy, selfishness, the desire to achieve your goal, the desire to prove that you are better than a wife. Immersed in dependence on relationships with a married man, you will inevitably fall into the scenario of giving up on yourself, focusing all interests only on the partner, looking for meetings with him in any way.

Such love can be perceived as salvation, that is, a means of getting rid of stress and difficult life situations, or as a way to fill the void.

When strengthening ties with a married man are manifested:

  • Decrease in self-esteem: all efforts are spent on trying to meet, call, see, “fit” him into their space. You consider yourself as a “fallback option”.
  • inner dissonance: the swing between “love” and “hate”. Quarre about the fact that he leaves the family.
  • intense jealousy. If the partner is unfaithful to his wife, then who knows if he is also deceiving you?
  • loss of interest in life, work, meetings with friends, internal destruction of personality.
  • excuse yourself.

Even if you went to an affair with a married man voluntarily, knowing that he would not leave the family, then gradually you begin to claim the No. 1 place in his life.

This is how female psychology works

First, you prove to yourself that everything suits you: “I don’t need a wedding, I just want to be near and love you,” then gently and unobtrusively voice what I want, as a result, tears, depression and demands to leave my wife begin.

And if you manage to convince a man to leave his wife, will you be satisfied? Will there be room for new suspicions (“Cheating with me - will change me”), distrust (“Meets secretly or wants to return to his ex-wife”), past grievances (“So long was with her and did not divorce immediately”)? So, out of the desire for romantic love and a full-fledged family, you drive yourself into dependence on experiences, reducing the relationship to “no.”

Of course, it happens differently. Being in a relationship with a married man, giving him time, you follow your own choice. And, if you really want a sequel, take the trouble to do 2 things:

What is happening in reality?

Most often, nothing. Everything closes at the level of promises, relations stop at this phase and, without development (and relations without development are doomed), go into the phase of deceived expectations and accusations, and later they stop.

If you are determined to become a lawful wife from your mistress and take your husband away from your current wife, you have a chance. But not in the case when you voluntarily for years agreed to the role of the “second plan” and suddenly decided to become the main one in his life. No matter how well he treats you, no matter how pleasant your meetings may be, he is comfortable with you as a lover, and he will not change his life radically for you. The psychology of a married man’s relationship with his mistress is based on his stability, and the changes contradict her.

If you still dared to lead a man out of the family

There are chances to remove a married man from the family, even if they are small. Often a lover appears in men whose family life has not pleased them for a long time. And love on the side is a way to get pleasant emotions without stopping the relationship with your spouse, as cardinal changes are too scary.

Acting carefully and slowly, you can act on the man, proving to him that living together with you will save him from existing problems, and not add new ones.

Direct demands, quarrels and reminders of his promises will not lead to a divorce, but they will show that relations with you in the future are problems, scandals and nerves.

How to behave with a married man so that you have a future? The psychology of relations with him is not much different from the manner of behavior with a free partner, if your plans include building strong trusting relationships.

Respect his decisions, give him the choice and the right to act as he sees fit, don’t put pressure on him and do not impose your opinion - this is useless.

How to become a wife from a lover: a psychologist’s comment

Set a goal - not to impose yourself, but to make sure that he wants to be with you. Focus on yourself, not on him, his family, or your relationship. We are talking about expanding personal space, about our own plans, about developing in areas that are not related to your relationship. By doing something to “build up” your personality, working on the psychological restoration of a true attitude towards yourself, and the development of healthy egoism, you will restore the balance between personal space and relationships. A free internally person is always more attractive than someone who closes all interests on one thing, all the more restricting him and influencing negatively on his life.

Do not blame his wife

Even if he speaks negatively of her. She is his choice. Having shown that you value the partner’s opinion, you work on the subconscious, he feels himself a recognized leader, and this fundamentally affects further decisions.

Just ask yourself, are you ready to build further relationships according to this scenario, to adapt and drown out even your own feelings for it? It is possible to take a man out of the family. But are you really ready to compete with another girl, spend energy on the destruction of the family? Psychologically, it will be easy for you to accept him and not allow the thought that he will find a mistress, already being your husband? Achieving a goal is a normal desire. But how correctly did you set this goal?

Pregnancy from a married man

Some girls do not want to really look at the situation, and pretty much “getting involved” in a dependent relationship with a married man, they decide that the best way to entice him to his side and make him leave the family is to get pregnant. Various tricks are used, including deception.

However, before considering the last ways to take a man out of the family, calm down, weigh everything that really happens in your situation: his relationship with your family, with children, with you, really look at your life together. You are his lover, and it is unlikely that a lover’s pregnancy will become a significant reason for leaving the family (especially if he already has children).

Pregnancy from a married man in most cases will bring only problems. Moreover, both you and him.

What do you want to prove to yourself, him or his wife, having become pregnant? How will your self-esteem grow if you are ready for such drastic measures? Think of a child who will initially be a tool for tying a partner. And about his children, from whom, in your opinion, he will leave.

If the pregnancy is unplanned

He promised the golden mountains, you lived happily for a year, two or three and were pleased with the meetings, sometimes he said that he would leave the family for you, but there wasn’t any suitable time. On the news of your pregnancy, he said that he loves you, as before, and ... gave money for an abortion. How to cope with a situation when a pregnancy from a married man turns into a flap?

You do not want this, consider the child the fruit of your happiness, and you cannot believe that he did so treacherously. Trying to analyze and come to the conclusion that “yes, this is really not the time, besides he loves me and speaks directly about it.”

Understand, decide on the fate of the child you. When did you start dating, were you happy with everything? Start from this. He will not leave his wife, will not become your legal husband, and, at best, will support you financially. Are you ready for such a life? Agree to raise a child in an incomplete family?

Just stop entertaining yourself with the hope that with the advent of the child, everything will change. It will change - yes, but it will not be easier - that's for sure. After all, many women raise children without men.

If a child is valuable to you, you should only be glad that he is from a beloved man, even if this love is different from her standard understanding.

Make no mistake in thinking that your child is more important to a man than existing children. Do not think that having given birth, you can manipulate it. The lover of a married man is good because it is easy to take a break from family problems with her, to be distracted, and then return home. If she creates difficulties (and a pregnant lover for a married man is a big difficulty), then the very meaning of a relationship with her is lost.

Do you want this baby?

Ready to give birth to yourself without linking birth with your married partner? If so - do not hesitate, you will survive, survive this difficult period of torment and draw conclusions. It is possible that your priorities, goals, and, possibly, a man will change.

Whether to give birth from a married man: a psychologist’s comment

Важно четко осознать, что ребенок – не способ привязать мужчину к себе, что его порядочное отцовство в законной семье не означает, что он будет так же трепетно относиться и вашему ребенку. Рожать ли от женатого мужчины – только ваш выбор, здесь нельзя прикрываться оправданиями партнера и жаждой мифического счастья. Родить мужчине, оставаясь его любовницей – психологически тяжелая задача. If you perceived your partner as a patron, fearing your own responsibility, then now you have to grow up and bear responsibility not only for your life, but also for the life of another person.

Do not draw a picture in your head where only you, he and your child are. When you realize that there is another family in this picture of the world, you can make the right decision and avoid emotional breakdowns, depression and neurosis.

How to end a relationship with a married lover

  • It is psychologically difficult for you to continue relations with a person who does not plan to leave the family, despite all the assurances.
  • Or you finally realized that the relationship with the man had ended emotionally long ago, but for some reason you were pulling them.
  • Breaking addicted relationships is not enough strength, you are ready to be content with the illusion that you are loved, just not to be alone.
  • You understand that the relationship is futile, but more and more attached to the partner, clinging to rare moments when everything is fine.

It's time to leave!

The main problem of the girls who decided to end their relationship with a man is that they want to prove something by leaving: “Let her feel that she cannot live without me”, “I will leave, he will change his mind and bring me back”, “He will understand that it is better to be with me, and will leave the family”. Understand that your care should not be directed to a partner, but to you. If you made a conscious balanced decision to leave, then you did it because the current course of things has ceased to suit you. By returning a partner after parting, you only extend this nervous period.

Understanding what you get and what you lose in a relationship, it will be easier for you to make a decision. “They give me emotions, love and care,” - this is not the answer that you should give yourself, it will only keep you inside dependent relationships.

Questions time yourself

The feeling that someone needs you is not a reason to continue the relationship. Evaluate all the disadvantages, not justifying yourself and not trying to prove to yourself that everything suits you.

  • Are you comfortable with being hidden?
  • Satisfied that your future is foggy or completely unrealistic?
  • That you will never go on vacation together and plan a joint weekend without a third person?
  • That your beloved man has a serious relationship with another woman, even if he says that he does not love her?

He is a married man, his established life consists of frameworks and rules, and he will not change it, even if she does not completely satisfy him. It is easier for him to have a new mistress without any complaints.

If you decide to part with your beloved man, then you are tired of justifying yourself and him, not receiving anything in return.

To be a lover of a family man is a dead end. Continuing a painful relationship is also a dead end. It may be longer or shorter, but it will not lead you to a happy future. In the end, you will come to the questions: “Why did you need all this?” And “How to live on?”.

Look at the prospects

To stop loving a married man is difficult, because you are used to emotional, mysterious dependence on him. But dig deeper. Remember your feelings when, after meetings, he went into the family or when his wife called him. Did you feel better than her at that moment? If he had not treasured her, would he hide you? Realizing the real emotions that you received in a relationship, you can set yourself up to stop dependence on a married man.

Understand that the connection with him may drag on for years, but there will be no development. You will get used to the role of a lover, you will perceive her as a given, but do you want to see your life like that? He will not leave the family for you, realize this. And even deciding to accept it like that, how much will you be ready for such a model of life? Look at it from all sides: from yours, from him, from friends and parents, from colleagues. Ready?

Relate promises to reality

Healthy relationships are built according to the scheme: “personal interests of the first partner + personal interests of the second partner + common interests of the couple”. What common interests will arise over time, what goals will unite you, if your main goal is to hide relationships and be together secretly?

It is difficult to get out of a relationship with a married man, as well as from any other dependent relationship, primarily because of your own fears and doubts. You are trying to leave, but you are falling into a series of experiences, looking for ways to ease your morale, but you see that only he will help - the culprit of your problems. And it all starts in a new way, with a heap of old insults and misunderstandings and a new round of problems.

Relate your dreams and hopes to reality. You want to be with your beloved man, receive care from him, you want to develop relationships and, later, family. The partner promises that it will be so, that living together with his wife is a temporary obstacle, he has not loved her for a long time and there has been no sexual contact with her for a long time. You wait and believe, because you fairly believe that relationships without trust cannot be built.

Now look at the reality. Do you get, albeit gradually, what are you striving for? Is he striving for your life together? If you wondered how to part with a married man, apparently, reality and dreams still differ.

How to part with a married man: a psychologist’s comment

Remember: no conflicts, external factors, other people will not pull you out of a protracted connection. Only the internal mood and work on their own goals and understanding of their expediency will help to get out of the dependent relationship with a married partner. Perhaps you are driven by fears or do not want to take responsibility, but only internal changes can improve your life.

Break the separation from a married man into 3 stages:

The most honest conversation with direct questions about the future of your relationship will save you from illusions. Designate timelines, specific actions. The goal is not to hear once again that everything will work out, but to determine your personal attitude to what has been said and really happening. If you see the opportunity to continue the relationship “in a new capacity,” take this chance, but determine why you are continuing and what exactly, when. If there is no possibility, and only the promise of the golden mountains remains - leave.


Relate what you hear to your vision of the future. Imagine yourself in this relationship after 5 years. You do not become younger, you cannot return time back, but you do not want to let him go. If you understand that you’re breaking up anyway, why are you delaying this moment for the sake of rare comforting “now”? Remember the past relationships, problems: most of them you painfully let go of at one time, and today it’s easy for you to remember them. Why do you consciously go to suffering and drag the burden of the present hopeless relationship into the future?

Focus offsets on relationships.

If it’s hard for you to abandon your partner overnight, use the “switch” techniques. Continue communication with a married partner, not directing efforts to get rid of the role of a lover. But gradually look for new activities, interests, set personal goals outside the relationship, even if they are to the detriment of them. Especially if they are to the detriment! Complementing your personality, you will inevitably leave the space of dependence on relationships and become not part of them, not part of a partner, but an independent personality.

At this stage, it is important to accept your feelings (love, selfishness, painful dependence - it does not matter), but consciously begin to focus not on them (or how to get rid of them), but on something from a completely different plane. Over time, psychological stress arising from the constant twisting of the situation in the head will weaken.

Be honest with yourself and with your partner. Your task is not to prove your strength, independence or superiority to him, but to achieve your own peace of mind. When you are ready, talk to him, say that you are not completing this relationship in a fit of emotion, not because he is guilty of something. The reason is the lack of a shared future and your justifiable desire for stable happiness. Ask not to hold you, because you want to build a full-fledged family in the future and consider that you are worthy of it.

Author Herman Marina

“I understand everything, but ...”

If you (knowingly or not) have become a lover of a married man, start by answering yourself why it happened. And then - decide what you want to come to. If you feel that you need help, talk with a psychologist: working with him will help to better understand the situation and find a comfortable way to resolve it.