How to Stop Repelling People From Yourself

The style of communication can be compared with the prism through which our feelings, our condition shine through. An imperfect prism bends and darkens the internal image. True communication is contraindicated in any distortion of the spiritual rays. In life, we only do what we interfere with each other to open. We “close” ourselves and “close” these with others. To create communication, we must first learn to remove all kinds of barriers that we (often unconsciously) put in the way of confidential communication. What are they like?

The manifestation of love is primarily associated with communication, its quality, wealth and diversity. In order for it to take place, we already have everything - our unique personality. Communication has always been appreciated not so much for the exchange of information (even the most valuable), but for the opportunity to get in touch with unique worlds, bottomless universes that are hidden in every person. To do this, you need very little: to be able to open yourself to another person.

In life, we only do what we interfere with each other to open. We “close” ourselves and “close” these with others. To create communication, we must first learn to remove all kinds of barriers that we (often unconsciously) put in the way of confidential communication. What are they like?

How often we, by our behavior, do not inform our dear person that he is dear to us. Sometimes we even spend a lot of effort to hide it. We ourselves are waiting for him to see, understand and accept us behind this "closed" behavior. This is not always possible even for an experienced psychologist.

There are boxers who defend themselves by keeping the opponent at a long distance, not allowing him to get close to himself. This athlete really can not get it. The communication style of some people is not much different from the tactics of such boxers. Imagine the sensations if the person you are talking to:

• avoids looking into the eyes, usually his gaze is directed sideways or downward,
• doesn’t call you by name, says “generally”, and not personally related to you,
• the inner experiences of a conversation with you are not reflected in his usually impassive face,
• in a conversation, steps aside, avoids handshakes.

There is a feeling that the interlocutor keeps you at a distance. He is perceived as an indifferent, hidden and cold person, no matter how sincere and warm feelings he has for you.

Someone achieves safety only in "close combat". This is a person who goes directly to “you”, unscrews the button from you and pats on the shoulder. Such excessive “breaking” the distance in communication can also cause discomfort, perceived as excessive obsession or familiarity.

Here are some tools that quickly make us inaccessible for a friendly conversation:

• confident meaningful tone,
• categorical formulations, which supposedly cannot be doubted - we give the truth in the finished final form,
• we try to keep the last word in any dispute,
• we build a conversation not as a conversation, but as a demonstration of our “valuable” qualities or knowledge.

In this case, we may make an authoritative impression. Yes, they will listen to us, but they are unlikely to want to be friends. “Where are we,” they will think.

No less successfully you can be left alone and “going down”, underestimating yourself, demonstrating modesty, insignificance.

Invisible Man is perhaps the most effective protective style of all that guarantees complete loneliness. In fact, a person makes himself invisible to others. Is he:

• avoids dressing fashionably (if this is a girl, then usually does not use makeup),
• speaks softly, pronounces the words inaudible due to fear of saying something wrong
• being a guest, usually sits in the most secluded corner, hiding behind a book or newspaper,
• can't stand the spotlight, even if it's his birthday,
• Inexpressive in dancing, movements. At dances or discos, she will sit and watch others dance.

The style of communication can be compared with the prism through which our feelings, our condition shine through. An imperfect prism bends and darkens the internal image. True communication is contraindicated in any distortion of the spiritual rays. To do this, you should try to take away everything that prevents our direct and sincere light. How many of them, failed friendships, only because people hid their friendliness from another, hiding behind rudeness, pretense of fun, made indifference. Only by realizing the personal contribution to building your wall of loneliness, you can begin to change your life.

Did not get along

With the destruction of our relations, one pattern is manifested. The general picture is approximately the following: a successful start - accumulation of a negative stock - overflow - gap. Simultaneously with the beginning of the relationship, we seem to include a mechanism for their destruction. Most often, we eat relationships, eat the good that they give us. Then there is a void. Everyone has their own ways of being unhappy in a relationship. Here is a collection of such principles:

1. The principle of secrecy - entering into a relationship, to have any secrets from another. Say something, keep silent about something. In principle, it doesn’t even matter if there are serious reasons for such secrets. The mystery itself is always a time bomb. When our connection is filled with secrets, a break is inevitable.
2. The principle of evaluation - the relationship develops until I mature before giving another assessment. Finally understand what this person is. After we stick a label on it, it becomes uninteresting. Further we are already beginning to confirm this assessment, finding more and more evidence of our "rightness."
3. The principle of soul mates - communicating with another, I suddenly begin to notice how we are alike. It causes delight and emotional surge. “Finally, I found (a) a person who understands me in everything. What a blessing that we met! ”This orientation on the similarity of characters in the future serves as a strong barrier to the development of relations. From now on, any discrepancy in views begins to be perceived painfully (even regarding a football team). As soon as we gain a sufficient number of diverging views on certain things, the phrase follows: “I thought (a), but he (a) turns out to be. "
4. The principle of creating an image - entering into relationships is carried out through some role. The one that, in our opinion, presents us in a favorable light. This may be the role of a “real man” or “real woman”, a creative person or a specialist. Considering that we ourselves are of little interest, communication is based on the material of this role. Relationships are maintained as long as we feel covered up by this role. In fact, the image closes the relationship. With their development, our real features will begin to appear, and this is what scares. Exposure is perceived as a signal to leave.
5. The principle of the test is when communicating with people, to have a clear idea of ​​how they should behave in a particular case. Consider yourself the owner of a set of internal rules that other people must follow. Mentally, it is understood that everyone lives by the same rules (or, at least, they must in order to earn my respect). Communicating with such people, you take a walk along the minefield. By the end of the walk you already have time to make so many “mistakes”! Naturally, the rules that you must follow are not communicated to you. You must be constantly on your guard and correctly guess. Otherwise, a gap.
6. The principle of fulfillment of desires - feeling well that the other is expecting from you, to justify all his expectations. Children's logic works - if I am good (that is, I will live up to the expectations of my parents), they will love me. This childhood desire to “be good” conflicts with personal desires. Not all desires of another are pleasant, the negative stock piles up. Of course, this is not reported out loud, but one day a man who does not understand anything hears from you that you are breaking up with him.

The general condition for the triggering of our destruction mechanisms is lack of understanding and closeness, fear of engaging in “clarifications of these relations”. The same conflicts, disputes, quarrels - brr! It is better to disperse silently and “in a good way”. Avoiding relationship clarification has a strictly defined purpose. By such a departure from open communication, we maintain the prevailing idea of ​​the world, of ourselves, of others. In this case, I can be calm and confident in my ideas, nothing hurt my inner cocoon.

Clarifying the relationship, I must correlate my views on living together with those that my partner has. What if everything is not so right with me and I have to live differently? And not he, but should I review myself? Any restructuring is always painful. It is much easier to part with this person, preserving your life stereotype. This is a natural psychological defense that works purely automatically. What can she oppose? There are a number of rules to prevent the transformation of showdown into a quarrel.

1. Do not accumulate negative experiences. Recycle them as you interact. You can not pay attention to the fine rain, but the cloud that has accumulated a thunderstorm charge can sweep a lot in its path: thus, a broken cup becomes a source of disaster. All that remains is a bitter thought: “Is everything upset because of some trifle?”
2. Clarification must take place here and now. Finding out a specific act in a particular situation. Forget the common wording: “You always do this”, “You did this again”, which drive the interlocutor into a dead end and cause a feeling of guilt.
3. Speak in the language of feelings and emotions, rather than attacking value judgments. On the "fool" always get "the fool himself." It is easier to accept if we talk not about a person, but about my feelings about him: "When you did (a), it hurt me." There is nothing to argue. You won’t say, “You don’t feel like that.” The main condition for effective communication is respect for the individual in the form of acceptance of its uniqueness and dissimilarity to us. As one psychologist correctly observed, the meaning of any quarrel is that we say to each other: "You are not the way I would like to see you."

Imagine that you found a hundred rubles on the street. Not bad, but it would never occur to you to demand this every day. In a relationship, such a request is considered natural: "I want you to be always good to me." Any relationship develops in waves. In difficult periods of cooling feelings, you just need to know what it should be. The only thing that can be done here is to make tactful attempts at rapprochement.

Not every conversation can be called communication — how far not every person can be called a person. Let us single out several levels of contacts with others.

• First level. This situation is familiar to everyone: a boss is a subordinate, an officer is a soldier, etc. A tough, impersonal, role-based form of contact, defined by the word "management." With such contact, there is someone “above” and someone “below”. "Lower" performs tasks of the "upper". To control another means to use it in contact as a means. There is an open control, but there is a hidden one. Often the genius of communication is called a person who is able to openly control others. “Our boss will achieve what he wants from anyone,” they say with enthusiasm about this. In psychological language, this type of person is called a "manipulator." However, for all its external successes, the manipulator is often deeply unhappy. This happens because he is deprived of close relationships with people. Closed relationships are most favorable for covert management. But the opposite is also true: if we have closed communication, we unconsciously manipulate each other. When I make a “chess move” using my friend, wife, and child as a piece (no matter what noble goals I pursue), I destroy, eat up our relationship. Manipulations in communicating with loved ones are never forgiven.
• The second level, where the positions are more equal, is called communication. Typical situations: in the kitchen, in the company at the table, in transport. The main problem with such communication is the choice of a common topic. Outwardly, this may seem like verbal hockey: the topic is thrown (say, “cars”), and the whole company begins to “drive it in circles.” Having exhausted one, we are looking for another. In communication, our personality is already manifested, but to a small extent. A communicative person with anyone will find a common language, be adopted in each company, immediately find an interesting topic for everyone to talk about. Everyone can not be sociable, but everyone can be sociable.
• The third level of our conditional division of contacts is called service. Here we no longer use the other person as a means, but we ourselves become one for him. A good example of this level is psychological assistance. A man comes with his problem, which the psychologist is trying to help him solve. However, a person who is able to give you wise advice, to listen to and help to understand yourself, is also early to call a genius of communication. He is a service genius. This level is already deeper than management or communication. But still, this is not actually communication.
• The fourth, highest level of our contacts is communication. This is the interconnection of equal-free and equally unique entities. ” His goal is always one - another person. This is not an exchange of information; communication concerns non-informative phenomena: the meaning of life, the values ​​and orientations of a person, her ideals and aspirations. The psychological mechanism of communication is an experience merged with understanding, and not purely rational transmission and reception of information.

A person capable of this should be called a genius of communication. The literature describes this type - Prince Myshkin from Dostoevsky’s novel “Idiot”. The power of openness of this man was so great for others that those with whom he had time to talk at least became his allies or friends.

Communication is not so much a technique as an art. To openly show your uniqueness and accept it in an interlocutor - this is the secret of real communication.

Sergey Vladimirovich Petryshin - Doctor of Psychology, Associate Professor of the Kazan Federal University, Full Member of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League, Expert of the Distance Education Center "Elitarium"

Keep the other person at a distance

The manner of communication of closed people is similar to the tactics of a boxer, constantly keeping the opponent at a distance. And to get such a “boxer” is practically impossible, because at a meeting this person does not shake your hand, does not look in the eye, preferring to look away, tries not to call you by name, confining himself to general phrases, and experiences do not reflect on his face. In such a situation, an opinion is formed that the interlocutor is an indifferent, cold and secretive person with whom it is simply unpleasant to communicate, regardless of how he feels towards you deep down.

Familiar obsession

You can push a person away from you, not only keeping him at a distance, but also in "close combat". For example, the interlocutor immediately breaks the distance by switching to "you", patting your shoulder or unscrewing a button on your suit during communication. This impudent introduction into personal space causes extremely unpleasant sensations. With such a familiar and obsessive personality, you are unlikely to want to communicate in the future.

We list the funds that instantly build a wall between us and such an interlocutor:

• confident and even arrogant tone,
• harsh and categorical statements that discourage the desire to ask related questions,
• transformation of dialogue into a demonstration of one’s own qualities and skills, with the presence of boasting,
• leaving the last word behind you in any dispute.

Sometimes communication in such a tone may impress the opponent, however, the interlocutor is unlikely to make friends with such a person. “This is clearly not my level. Where am I! ”He would say to himself mentally.

"Invisible Man"

However, the most successful way to push people away from themselves, psychologists call a protective style called "invisible man." Demonstrating to others his lowered self-esteem, insignificance and modesty, a person takes a confident step into complete loneliness. The "invisible man" is easy to recognize, because he:

• prefers to dress modestly, choosing nondescript tones,
• never dyes and does not make magnificent hairdresses (if it is the woman),
• shy at a party, choosing the farthest corner and hiding from everyone by reading the press,
• speaks rarely and always quietly, barely legibly, as if fearing to draw attention to himself,
• trying to dissolve in the crowd even on his own birthday,
• While dancing, she prefers to stand aside, and if she dances, then his movements are inexpressive.

Если задуматься, сколько теплых отношений и искренней дружбы поглотило наше деланное равнодушие, напускное веселье или откровенная грубость, за которой пряталась доброжелательность и искреннее желание быть рядом. Для того чтобы изменить свою жизнь к лучшему и перестать отталкивать от себя людей, прежде всего, необходимо сознать свой вклад в возведение стены между нами и окружающими людьми.

Почему разрываются отношения

It is worth saying that all collapsing relationships have one common scheme. They begin, as a rule, successfully, but then there is an accumulation of negative experience, overflow with such experience and, ultimately, a gap. That is, almost immediately after the emergence of relations, a person himself, without realizing it, starts the process of their destruction. Moreover, each person has his own methods and principles for this.

1. The principle of secrecy

The relations of two people begin to collapse from the moment when at least one of them has a secret. Moreover, it does not matter that this is a slight understatement, a lie for salvation or any other secret. Such a secret is a time bomb, which sooner or later "explodes", thereby destroying the existing relationship.

3. The principle of the soulmate

Having often met a person, we are surprised to find an incredible similarity in thoughts and actions. At such moments, I want to exclaim: "What a blessing to meet a person who understands you perfectly!". However, clinging to a unity of interests, we ourselves prepare a trap for a quick break in relations. From this moment on, any divergence of interests begins to be perceived extremely painfully, and soon you will hear something like that from a person who has become disillusioned with the relationship: "I thought (a) that he was completely different."

4. The principle of the image

Unsure of themselves, people make relationships, getting accustomed to a certain image, for example, the image of a specialist, creative person or a real hero. This happens because people with low self-esteem do not believe that they can be interesting to the partner, remaining themselves. As a result, when in the process of close communication the pretense begins to melt and real features appear, a person finds a reason for breaking the relationship.

5. The principle of the test

Each of us has an idea of ​​what to do in a particular case. We are steadily following this set of internal rules ourselves and demand the same from the partner. However, having established a relationship, we do not inform the person about our own code, but simply observe his behavior in a specific situation. Depending on what actions the partner commits, he is given a positive or negative verdict. And if the conclusion is still negative, you should not count on further communication.

6. The principle of fulfillment of desires

Sincerely wanting to build a relationship, we often try to please our partner, indulging him in everything and fulfilling all his whims. However, adapting to a loved one, we are in conflict with our own desires. Of course, for a long time we have not shown the appearance, however, the negative gradually accumulates, and one day turns into a statement of separation.

Why do negative mechanisms work

A general condition for launching destructive mechanisms is our closeness, lack of agreement and unwillingness to sort things out. “Why bother nerves? It’s better to disperse quietly, ”we say, and this is by no means done for peaceful reasons. In fact, we simply do not want to ruin our view of ourselves and the people around us. It’s convenient for us to stay in our “cocoon”, which no one and nothing touches.

On the contrary, clarification of relationships requires adjusting one's own views, reassessing values ​​and efforts to establish joint communication and life. Such changes are always painful and it’s much easier for many people to give up relationships than to “break” themselves and adapt to a partner. It is difficult to oppose such psychological defense. However, there are rules that help you fight for your own happiness.

1. Do not save negative

Never accumulate negativity in yourself. Try to honestly and openly find out the partner’s position in the conversation. Remember, in people with resentment in the soul, the minimum reason may be the last straw. Even a broken cup can be a reason for parting. And to the discouraged partners, only bewilderment will be remembered: “Is it really possible to part because of such a trifle?”

2. Find out the reasons for misunderstanding on the spot

Make it a rule to find out incomprehensible moments for you as soon as they happen. At the same time, one should not pronounce the common phrases “You always do this!”, “I did not expect anything else from you (a)”. Such formulations cause the partner a feeling of guilt and drive him into a dead end, from which the only way out is separation.

First level

This level implies communication between the boss and subordinate. The genius of communication here is called the manager, who is able to openly manipulate subordinates who unquestioningly follow his orders. However, life shows that, deep down, manipulators are unhappy people, because they do not have real friends and are deprived of sincere communication.

Second level

This level is called communication. This implies communication in transport, at a table or in the kitchen, and the main problem of such communication is the choice of a common topic. Such communication is somewhat reminiscent of hockey, where instead of the puck, the topic is “thrown in”, for example, work, and all participants in the conversation begin to chase it in a circle, sharing their thoughts. They move from one topic to another, third, etc. Here we are already beginning to manifest ourselves as individuals, because the more sociable a person is, the easier it is for him to join any conversation and support any of the topics proposed. It is much easier for such individuals to get to know and make friends even in an unfamiliar company. And although not everyone can boast of their sociability, each of us can become sociable.

Third level

This height is called the level of service. We stop using the interlocutor as a means, becoming ourselves such for him. An ideal example of this is psychological help. Listening, helping to understand ourselves and supporting a person with wise advice, we become service geniuses. People are drawn to such people, because this level is much higher than management and communication. However, this is not communication yet.

Fourth level

It is called communication, and it represents the interconnection of unique and equal-free entities. Such communication is based on a discussion of goals, aspirations, human ideals, spiritual values ​​and the meaning of life. And the communication mechanism does not become a banal transmission and reception of information, but empathy and sympathy, merging with understanding.

A person who can communicate on the fourth level is called the genius of communication. Fans of classical Russian literature, of course, are familiar with the true genius of communication - Prince Myshkin, described by F. M. Dostoevsky in the novel "Idiot". The level of openness of this person was so high that every person with whom the main character of the novel had a chance to communicate sought to become his friend and ally. Show your originality openly and take it in the interlocutor - this is the art of attracting people to itself!