Remember the situations in your life when you had a responsible conversation, be it a date, or a conversation about raising salaries, or about a conflict, repayment of a debt. It was extremely important for you that he decide in your favor. You were so worried, the fear of conversation was so strong that you were ready for anything to win, but lost. It was like this? Wondered why?
Numerous trainings and courses on negotiations and communications usually teach technicians, persuasion techniques, behavior, ethics, but not how to tune in to victory. Although it depends on the inner mood, in the first place, whether you win or not. How to configure yourself?
Look carefully at this diagram:
Your feelings - Your thoughts - Your attitude - Your actions - The mood of the interlocutor - The actions of the interlocutor
If you do not prepare your body (read, your feelings) for a conversation, then you will not be able to control your thoughts. This means that negativity will sneak in them and the fear of a future conversation will intensify. The interlocutor will feel your tension through movements, voice, vibes, finally. This will create a distance between you. The conversation does not work out the way you want.
Five years ago, a romantic story happened to me, which began with one difficult conversation. If I didn’t have the courage and talked to the girl whom I had tender feelings for, then nothing would have happened between us. Despite the fact that I was nice to her too, we could not even calmly talk. She answered coldly, indifferently, not disposing to close relationships. Then I decided to talk to her directly. He invited me to a meeting, on which it was supposed to clarify what would happen next.
I prepared for him, as for the most important negotiations in the world. I asked a friend for help to rehearse. We sat with him for three hours, playing all kinds of conversation scenarios, probable behaviors and the end of the meeting - from desired to frightening. On a date, I went confident. I was ready to win and lose. Having accepted all the options for the future, I was able to overcome the excitement, to be sincere and open. This was the beginning of a wonderful relationship that lasted several years.
Here's what exactly needs to be done before an important conversation:
- Imagine the most frightening conversation scenario. Yes Yes! You heard right. Close your eyes and imagine. How they make you hang up, refuse, are rude or even insult. Now feel how your body reacts to it. Unpleasant? Where is the most unpleasant sensation in the body? Found it? So strengthen it. It is unpleasant. Nevertheless, do it, because then this sensation will simply leave the body, and with it the fear of defeat.
- Now imagine the most positive outcome of the conversation. Close your eyes in the same way and feel your body feel good. Present your triumph in detail, savor! Strengthen the feeling of victory in the body. You can imagine how the body is illuminated by bright sunlight. Stay in this state for 5-7 minutes and open your eyes! Now you are ready! Now you radiate confidence and are ready for any provocations. Go ahead, win!
As the great commander of antiquity, Sun Tzu, instructed in the book “The Art of War”: “The commander wins the battle before the start.” This book once turned my mind around how to achieve results in life. This way of preparing for an important conversation will allow you to win the battle before it begins.
If you want results in life, you must be internally prepared to receive them. Then the whole world will help you. Otherwise, you will lose strength and time.
In a club, cafe, coffee shop
- “Lose” an earring (not a contact lens, it's not so romantic anymore). Start peering at the floor next to the guy you liked. Raise your hair and show him the second earring so that he will help you in your search. When you both fumble on the floor, meet his eyes and smile seductively (carefully: do not collide your foreheads).
- While he is waiting for his turn to the pool table, come and say that you and your girlfriend argued over a cocktail party who will win. And you bet on him - so let him not let you down!
- If he dines, having buried himself in his netbook or smartphone of the latest model, say that you are also looking at yourself like that, and ask if he likes this model or company.
- If he drinks coffee, come up to him, smile and say: “Do you know what they say about men who love coffee?” If he plays along and asks what, answer: “Come here tomorrow at the same time, and I will tell” .
In the bookstore
- Ask the pretty guy in the science fiction section if he remembers whose book this is where this and that happened, and what it was called (yes, you have to prepare and study the issue). To continue the conversation, you can ask him to recommend one of the interesting new products.
- In a store with reading tables, sit down at the intended victim, armed with a stack of books with intriguing titles (“100 Crocodile Dishes,” “Hot Stone Massage,” “ASP.NET MVC 5 with C # 5.0 Examples for Dummies”). A few minutes later ask if he would look after the books so that they would not be put back on the shelf until you looked for something else.
- If he is a store employee, order a book from a warehouse that is temporarily out of stock and ask him to call as soon as it arrives.
- Find a funny book on a shelf, stand next to it and start laughing contagiously. Catch his gaze and explain with words or gestures that you are not crazy, just a book is very funny! If it seems that he is intrigued - show him funny lines or read aloud.
- Bring a little mysticism into the atmosphere of the evening: start reading hands of those present or divining them on the Tarot cards. Offer to tell fortune to him.
- Ask him to help open a jar or bottle.
- Ask where you saw him before: isn't that the Marinka with whom you inadvertently burned the French embassy? It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t know any Marinka: he will be interested to find out how you managed it (do not forget to compose a legend in advance or improvise, improvise ...)
But how to do it is not worth it:
“I had a date, terribly boring and unsuccessful. While my grief-gentleman went to the toilet, a really cool guy came up to me and wanted to meet. I was confused and said: “Oh, but I'm not here alone.” He left the cafe, I ran out after him and shouted: “But we can still exchange phones!” “Forget it,” he answered. “I'm not dating strangers.” - S., 27
“I asked permission from a handsome guy to make a“ very important call ”from his cell phone. While I dialed my home number, frantically wondering what was so convincing to say, my own mobile phone rang in my bag. ” - N., 23
“I walked with a dog and saw a sexy guy who was also walking his pet. I purposely dropped the leash, not doubting that my puppy would run after his dog. While the dream guy was stroking my puppy, this eared scoundrel peed on his feet. " - E., 31
“I chatted with a guy in a bar and told him about the band I play in. “You seem to be a talented girl,” he said. I had already managed to sort out and get drunken courage, so I said that this was not my only talent, and bent over, trying to kiss him. He pulled back and said: “Sorry, nothing personal. I just don't like girls. ” - A., 26
Causes of shyness in front of a guy
It is known that parents to some extent cripple children. Some pamper them, while others, on the contrary, scold. Shyness arises in early childhood and passes with a person into adulthood.
Try to remember, there have been cases when your mother compared you to a classmate, saying that she is a better student, attends a music school and will achieve much in life, unlike you? It is precisely such actions that lay in the character of a still little girl a fear of comparisons on the part of native people. You have heard this so often that the statements have become true for you, thereby lowering your self-esteem with each similar case.
Another example is this: as a child, you probably screamed loudly or made noise in public places (like all children). At that moment, your parents began to shame you, they say, if not ashamed, people are looking at you. Such statements on the part of the ancestors firmly lie in memory, leading future life. The child unconsciously begins to feel fear about what others will think. But it’s important to understand that you are no longer a little girl, by and large, people don’t care how you behave and what you are wearing.
As for other adults, such as a teacher or teacher, they also do not always have a sense of tact. Often, teachers publicly speak out about the illiteracy of their students, shame them in front of the team, making the child feel mediocre and inferior. Hence, shyness and uncertainty in one's own strength appear, a person ceases to be a person in full measure, individuality is lost.
If we talk about peers, then they are completely ruthless. Schoolchildren, children from a neighboring courtyard or creative club constantly scoff at someone who does not look like them. Perhaps you had freckles on your nose or puffy cheeks, which led to various nicknames. There are frequent cases when a girl grows up and still remembers all the teasing and insults regarding her appearance, physique or mental abilities. Understand that not everything that people say is true.
Signs of shyness
- Shy girls often sweat, are afraid to show up loudly and constantly blush. Their heart beats quickly, their movements become abrupt and illogical, provoking awkward moments.
- Shy ladies do not look into the interlocutor’s eyes, their thoughts are completely focused on imaginary wrong actions or expressions. Girls fall into a stupor when talking with the opposite sex, trying to understand what thoughts fly through their minds at the guys in their heads.
- In addition to the above, attentiveness is greatly reduced. Ladies constantly lose the essence of the conversation, their brain works in slow motion, memory becomes shorter. Girls quickly lose interest in what is happening.
How to stop being shy guy
Step number 1. Show emotions. Communicating with a young man, do not hesitate to speak openly. Do you catch your breath and sweat your palms when he looks like this? Report this. Believe me, no guy will be indifferent to hearing such words. He will not perceive this as a flaw; a young man will find such behavior cute.
Step number 2. Exercise. Exercising helps release endorphins, which reduce stress, and as a result, awkward moments disappear. Sign up for a gym or dance, attend a trial lesson in stretching, Pilates or kickboxing. Modern studios offer a ton of facilities at an affordable price. With the help of physical exertion, you will not only gain confidence, but also tighten the body, pump up the press, stop being shy of intimacy.
Step number 3. Watch your appearance. Tidy girls are less shy, they are confident in their beauty and well-groomed appearance. Visit a manicure and pedicure master several times a month, cut off the cut hair and tint the regrown roots. Do not save on your own beauty. Shy ladies do not attend salons, they prefer to stay in the shade and be unremarkable. You can act radically by repainting in a different color and changing the length of the hair.
Step number 4. Take the initiative. Guys quickly get tired of everyday life, they get bored with shy girls. To avoid this, become an initiative lady. Invite a young man to the cinema or organize a picnic in nature, go skating, take a walk in the park. An important feature of this step is the complete exclusion of situations that can put you in an awkward position. Decide on makeup, hairstyles, choose beautiful and suitable clothes in advance, think over topics for conversation.
Step number 5. Learn all about intimate life. A guy and a girl sooner or later begin to have sex. In order not to feel shy in bed, learn all about intimate life. There is a ton of information on the Internet, if this is not enough for you, visit the library or chat with experienced friends. Watch relevant films, study poses or look through magazines for girls. Information is power, you need to prepare for such an event in advance in order to overcome embarrassment.
Step number 6. Engage in a joint business. Invite the guy to sign up for Latin American dances, salsa, tango, or other directions to choose from. Such art completely eliminates all complexes, since you work in pairs. At first it can be difficult and embarrassing, but after 2 weeks you will forget about what shyness is.
Step number 7. Get interested in the guy’s life. Learn the hobbies and basic hobbies of the young man, try to delve into the details to skillfully maintain a conversation. For more efficiency, ask his friends, brothers, sisters, or parents about his favorite books and sports. When you are in the know, you will automatically avoid awkward pauses in the conversation due to your own ignorance. The conversation will go easily and naturally, and shyness will recede to the side.
Step number 8. Meet the guy’s family. You will cease to be shy at the moment when you meet young people close to you. If he has a brother or sister, invite them to sit together in a cafe, go to the movies or just take a walk. More courageous ladies are recommended to get acquainted with the parents of the gentleman to find out from his mother about his quirks and tastes in food. You will feel much more confident when you prepare a guy for your favorite cooking. The method is suitable only for those girls who are well equipped with kitchen utensils.
Step number 9. Engage in self-development. Try to make some time for your own development, both spiritual and material. Have you wanted to attend makeup courses for a long time and work by profession? Go for it! Doesn’t this direction fit? Engage in drawing with an experienced teacher, sign up for piano courses, start learning a foreign language. Shyness will recede as soon as you get off the ground and begin to improve your skills.
Step number 10. Attend psychological training. Personality growth courses will help girls living in big cities to get rid of shyness. Experienced professionals will make you a confident person, tell you what to look for in a particular situation. There are trainings designed not for one lesson, but for the whole course. At the end of the last lesson, you will leave the building with a completely different person. An alternative to training is a session with a psychologist, but the cost per visit is much higher.
Shy of a guy? Stop it! Analyze your own childhood, exclude complexes inspired by parents from adult life. Regularly visit a beauty salon, monitor your appearance. Morally prepare for intimacy, improve yourself, go to personal growth courses.
You can get rid of excessive embarrassment in front of people using the following methods:
stop digging in yourself
think more about your strengths and successes,
remember that people are more concerned about their own shortcomings, and they don’t care about strangers,
take into account that other people are also sometimes shy,
inspire a sense of confidence (at least 5-10 minutes a day) until it becomes familiar,
when communicating with another person, do not focus on yourself, but delve into the conversation of the interlocutor.
After working on yourself and noting that these methods work, you can begin the second stage of the fight against shyness. To do this, you need to constantly expand the circle of friends, making new acquaintances wherever possible: in public transport, while jogging or walking your pet, at a performance, in lines. Then even an overly closed person will begin to gradually liberate and gain communication skills with unfamiliar people. This will help stop worrying and start living normally.
Why should you stop shy about your boyfriend and how to do it?
At any moment, the calm and measured life of a young woman can be interrupted, and the reason for this will be an acquaintance with a dream guy. At first, the girl is unlikely to trust him 100%, but excessive restraint will also not be useful - in this case, the relationship between young people will end without even starting.
The guys should not be shy for the following reasons:
There is a chance that the guy is shy too, and this is another obstacle in the relationship.
Most likely, the young man already has experience in communicating with girls, against the background of which an overly timid chosen one will look at least stupid.
In order not to feel awkward.
If the same guy were the girl's cousin, would she be timid with him?
How to get rid of shyness in front of a guy: general tips
Чтобы волнение начало понемногу уходить, можно представить себе, что первое знакомство уже прошло. Но принявшись искоренять стеснительность, не следует слишком уж увлекаться, ведь эта черта – показатель того, что девушка обладает тонкой и чувствительной натурой, которая способна сопереживать и любить.
Побороть стеснительность перед молодым человеком можно поэтапно, в четырех шагах:
First of all, a young lady needs to think: how would she want to see herself next to a guy, what features would she endow with the main character if she wrote a novel about herself?
Having decided on the image, you need to find out what is required to implement the plan? Perhaps these are neat low-heeled shoes, thanks to which their owner will not feel like a "giraffe". Or maybe it's in a stylish hairstyle that can give a girl self-confidence? The list of options for getting rid of shyness in front of a guy is endless, so you need to approach this issue depending on your circumstances.
What about an act that previously seemed completely fantastic to our heroine? For example, you can, without waiting for the initiative from the guy, invite him to take a walk, and during the walk you can also offer to try the pie, which was baked by the girl herself according to her grandmother’s recipe. A young man is unlikely to refuse such an offer, because the guys are still those lovers of sweets!
Following the first three points, the girl will become much more confident in herself. And then, having called imagination to help, he will begin to experiment. If thoughts will be occupied with new ideas, and time - with their implementation, then there will be no time to be shy!
How a girl can overcome her shyness in front of a guy she likes at different stages of relationship development
How to stop being shy of a guy if the girl is not familiar with him yet?
In this case, it is worth taking a closer look where it most often happens. For example, this is a sociable person whom the whole university knows as an irreplaceable participant in all kinds of events and sports competitions. Perhaps he is a permanent holiday host or a local bard. In a word, the guy you like is the pride of the uni.
What about a girl? She considers herself ordinary, gray, inconspicuous. In this case, she has no choice but to prove herself in something, to “sparkle”, so much so that she would be noticed by many at the educational institution, including the activist she liked. You can enroll in a university KVN team, a creative club (theater, dance, etc.), and if you have musical talents and skills, you can join an ensemble. It often happens that former school students in the universities reveal their internal potential by 100%. When choosing a lesson for herself, the girl should strive to be as close as possible to the chosen guy, but at the same time not to take on a task that is "too tough for her." Indeed, in order to attract the attention of others, you need to do something if not “excellent”, then at least “good”. The “recipe for shyness” will bring the desired effect if it is supplemented with the following “means”: witty jokes, an increase in the circle of friends and acquaintances from a common environment with the object of adoration, a radiant smile, an irresistible appearance and other “female things”. And one more thing: in no case can you doubt yourself, and then the girl will be able to suppress shyness in front of the guy and even get to know him!
If a young man is hyperactive, then he may like the gentle quiet. But for him to notice a timid admirer, she will have to make a lot of effort and even “jump out of herself”.
How to stop being shy of a guy at the very beginning of a relationship with him?
Here we must try to find “common ground” as early as possible, that is, common topics for conversation and hobby, and then the candy-bouquet period will not be overshadowed by the constraint of thoughts and actions. An awkward pause at the beginning of a relationship with a guy can be filled with an interesting story. If, according to the behavior of the young man, it is noticeable that he is also timid (perhaps he, for his part, wants to understand how not to be shy of the girls), then you can invite him to visit his favorite place. This will undoubtedly bring the couple closer, the girl will stop worrying and begin to live a full life, giving her chosen one joy and receiving it in return.
How to overcome shyness in front of a guy who already managed to like, but the girl only met him?
In order for the acquaintance to be long, he must like the girl in communication. If at a meeting with an attractive young man she will “crumple” phrases and timidly look away, then such a couple, most likely, has no future. The fair sex should think in advance: what will she ask the guy she met recently (for example, what is his opinion about yesterday’s TV show?), What will she ask (maybe you need to help move the stands), where will she invite (to the action, exhibition, disco, etc.).
How to stop being ashamed of your body in front of a guy?
It also happens that everything goes as it should: the girl confidently communicates with the subject of adoration, the relations of young people are developing. But here, as luck would have it, the problem begins to “gnaw” on her, how to stop being ashamed of my body in front of a guy? Prior to this, the young lady skillfully hid the imperfections of her figure under her clothes: the protruding belly was covered with spacious tunics, her small breasts were “supplemented” with foam of a bra, cellulite hips were hidden in the folds of a long skirt.
By wearing a “burqa” and “timidly hiding the body of fat in the cliffs” no one has solved the problem of the figure. It requires an integrated approach, including diet, exercise and increased self-esteem. The girl must deal with the last point in the first place, because the young man will not wait until she grows thin and pumped up.
To get rid of complexes, a girl can remember the first days of meeting a guy. After all, he consciously chose her and did not make her comments about the figure, even seeing a number of shortcomings (unfortunately, you can’t completely hide them under clothes).
And if you watch your friends? For example, Irina is an immense crumpet, but what a charming, witty, smiling and with a sparkle in her eyes! Because of the guys and there is no end. And Valentina, having a chiseled figure and an antique face, is always “in the back”, because she’s arrogant, boring and “empty”. Thanks to such observations, you can develop a line of your own behavior and not be bothered by how to stop being embarrassed about your body in front of a guy.
Constraint is the main obstacle to success of any kind, and if it comes to relationships between the sexes, then even more so. Do not be afraid to utter a word, for fear of seeming awkward. You can turn any embarrassment into a joke and laugh together. It is important not to deprive yourself of the pleasure of spending time with the guy you like. To achieve the desired, you need to suppress timidity and make at least a small step towards the dream. Many sayings also say the same thing: “Trying is not torture”, “To be afraid of a wolf - do not go to the forest!”, “Who does not risk - he does not drink champagne”, etc.